Dear Friend,
There was ‘this feeling’ that he would text but I didn’t know when. Every day I would check to see if he has dropped a message, but there was none. So, I reduced to tears—it seems to be the only thing left in life that I’m good at. Crying and crying and crying.
Sorting through the mess of my tangled feelings and doubts, my only option was to regress. I logged out of everything, I didn’t attend to pending messages, I ignored social media, I stayed in bed all day feeling sorry for myself because I couldn’t bring myself to the realization that my relationship is broken. I was physically and emotionally drained.
You will never be able to find yourself
If you are lost in someone
The whole reason I broke up with him was so I wouldn’t be that girl crying over her boyfriend, and now that’s exactly what I am. He is my Achilles’ heel, and so, for the last time, I bit the bullet for him and I CRY. I cried because i was finally ready to defer—it was hard watching the one person I’m in love with getting committed to someone else. It was even harder trying to prevent it from happening.
The universe listened to my vibrations of me whimpering.
The universe responds and gave me a sign the next morning.
You actually thought the universe gave me a sign? No, it didn’t. It brought me disappointment instead and I instantly believed this saying “what screw us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it’s supposed to be” but a sign is a sign either good or bad.
I wish life came with a handbook
He texted “I miss you.” He didn’t come to my dm to tell me how much he missed me. To even, think that I asked him “what exactly do you miss about me?” He said “you yourself.” To be frank, was I supposed to be happy with that? Was I? I am a lover girl and I love details for everything. When I saw his notification, I was enthralled because I felt he wanted to talk things out, meet me in person, hold my hands and tell me he loves me, reassuring me never to give up because we really need to build. But he never did. He didn’t say much.
Leaving me without an answer is still an answer
That moment, I knew I had to let go. This guy does not care, does not give 2cents about whatever it is we had together, I knew I needed to leave and FOCUS ON MYSELF just like he told me before I ended things. This hurts.
How many losses can one person take before they just throw the fucking towel? Because it’s starting to look like I am all out of wins here. So…
I am relinquishing knowing that I will never forget him
I am relinquishing knowing that I loved him purely
I am relinquishing knowing that I wanted us to work by engaging that conversation
I am relinquishing knowing that I left an impression of me in his heart with whatever marker he chooses to write; permanent or temporary
I am relinquishing knowing that I am tired of waiting for him to complete me, waiting for him to make my vision of us real, waiting for his actions to reveal what his mouth wouldn’t confess, waiting for his soul to recognize me as home.
This is me CAPITULATING. I will see you around and hopefully I don’t hit you against the wall for my heart is bleeding and I need something to feel what I am feeling.
I wish I was processing how to make this work between us
But I’m processing how to not let this hurt, because it feels like it can’t work.
Redundant piece of information:
YOU SHOULD NOT READ ACTUALLY, because I warned you the last time telling you THIS STORY is faulty, but you thought I was just missing him. Do not remind me I need to fill this bucket with my tears. I have a mission to do that though.
Oh, I forgot.
Human!
Always willful.
What caused the breakup?
I have always complained about the girls he’s always posting with erotic emojis and captions that would make a man jealous and think. Jealousy is not a good thing and I do not advice it. I need to stress this, I mean WITH EROTIC EMOJIS AND WEIRD ASS CAPTIONS. Yes, just like that. What comes after that? “I have a lot of female friends and they are always spamming me, I just have to post” is the response I would get from him. But there is THIS BABE! This particular babe he was always posting…hmm…you want me to go on? I knew it was just more than friendship, there was more. It’s fascinating how I knew everything that was going on between them without even asking or getting my facts right. Maybe, I am destined to be a LONELY WITCH because how am I always accurate? I will not tell you my secret. Dhurrrr.
But then I would always smile knowing within my soul that I would do no such thing. Why should I post them? I have a partner that I respect and value so much and I don’t want to bring him close to any insecurity in the relationship. Reverse is the case with him. I am just AN EGG that he just dropped to the floor, I am broken and I feel so insecure right now.
What holds a relationship most times is…
Respect and Appreciation
I was mad at these girls for spamming my man, I was mad at him for not drawing the line with them—if you keep on telling them you like it, hyping them, posting them, they will never stop! Days I never sent my snaps or pictures to him because I knew he was getting them and mine would not even come close—these babes know how this thing works. Have you seen them before? Hmmm…sultry and giving. Yes, I’m still dealing with inferiority complex. He calls these babes the same things he calls me baby, mama, whatever it is, name it! There is simply no difference between me and these babes. Sometimes I make him apologize by complaining or ghosting but he never does and we move on and it happens again and again.
Do not force a person to be sorry for their mistakes
This particular day, you already know what happens…but it was not this particular babe. I don’t know why I keep hammering on this particular babe, but I hope I don’t get to tell you what I feel about her—again, forever. It hurts writing about a character I do not feel like engaging with. I felt so disappointed because we still spoke about this same thing like a week ago. Disrespect is a deal breaker for me.
I was tired of the way he always made me feel with these babes. I sent a very short text, it was a break up text. He laughed so hard thinking I was bothered about this viral trend I would not like to disclose—I am not a JOKER. He couldn’t see through my text that I was referring to the babe in the video he posted. So, I restrained from explaining myself and I let it be.
The number ‘19’
Earlier this morning, I went through that conversation before writing into you, because i was curious to know why he texted and became cold immediately. That day was our 6 MONTHIVERSARY, why did he text? Did he come to remind me he still cared? Did he really mean the ‘I miss you?’ What if he is just trying to play me? I don’t want to think about it again.
Love always,
Mimi.
Thank you guys for always reading my story. I appreciate the love and you belong to my heart, dear one.
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